Left in Shambles, Destined to Die
by rhynith
Summary: (This is an AU that I've wanted to write for a while) Citadel is a small town that is home to anyone who needs one. The war affected everyone, but Citadel felt the repercussions a little closer to heart. Shepard hasn't dealt with what happened and who she lost and Kaidan has never had a shoulder to lean on - now, they are there for each other. (Rated T for now. Might change later)
1. Small Town Girl

_**Author's Note: This is an AU that I've wanted to do for a while now - basically, it's a modern AU in which they have still gone to war and suffered through the tragedies of the games. Normally, I ship Garrus and Shepard, but this is an AU for Kaidan and I can't bring myself to write it with Garrus. **_

_**Also (and this may just be me being paranoid) but I have never written a handicapped character before. So, if I do something wrong or if I offend any of you, I am seriously so so sorry and I didn't mean to. Message me and let me know and I will work really hard to fix anything and make sure that it does not happen again. **_

_**Enjoy**_

_**~ Elliott**_

* * *

><p>Citadel was a small town. Everyone knew each other and everyone knew your secrets. You either grew up as best friends or enemies, and generally there was no making up. Citadel was the place for family feuds to last generations. It was modest and it was sweet. There was a diner on the corner that claimed to have been there from the very beginning, and people just believed them on principle. No one bothered to investigate because this place was home and they had no reason to doubt the small family diner. The rest of the town had adapted to the changing times and there were even a few tourist attractions. They still didn't have very many tourists, but it was the thought that counted in most situations.<p>

The people of Citadel were not your typical small town folk. Sure, there were a few that could fit the stereotypes, but most of the people tried to break away from the norm. If someone from the outside actually bothered to look closely, they would see that Citadel held a myriad of personalities and not one person was alike. Generally, people passing through didn't care enough to stop and look at the details. And then, there weren't very many people passing through.

The people of Citadel lived calm lives. They lived lives that were normal and mundane by most standards. Their children grew up happily and there were not many tragedies to be had. That wasn't to say that there wasn't death or misfortune, but when there was, everyone pulled together for that family. No one was ever alone because someone else always had your back. As a side effect of that, Citadel was one of the last places to feel the effects of the war.

The war was brutal and the people of Citadel were not clueless as to what was going on. They had new channels and they saw the death that went on every day. This inspired most of the young men to take a stand and go and fight for their country. Citadel said their goodbyes to many of their children and waited for them to come back. Most of them did not.

The one squad that managed to come back was squad Normandy.

* * *

><p>Shepard rolled out of bed and slammed her hand down onto her alarm clock. It buzzed at her a few more times before she could hit the button correctly and effectively shut it up. She pushed herself into a sitting position with a loud groan, running a hand through her tangled red hair as the sun pierced into her eyes. She cursed as she stretched, trying to shut her blinds.<p>

"Shep, you up?" Tali called from the kitchen in a voice that was far too perky for this time of the morning. Shepard groaned again, getting an acknowledging laugh out of Tali. "Come on, Sunshine. The day is starting!"

Shepard forced her eyes open and fixed her eyes on the wheelchair positioned by her side. She felt her heart grow heavy as the familiar lump formed in her throat. She sighed heavily and pulled her hair out of her face, reaching out for the wheelchair and pulling it closer to her. She pushed herself into it and maneuvered around the bed.

"What's for breakfast, Tali?" Shepard asked as she came into the kitchen. Tali looked over her shoulder and laughed loudly, startling Shepard.

"Your hair -"

"Shut up, or so help me god -"

"Right, sorry, sorry. Um, we're having eggs today." Tali managed through the remainder of her laughter. Shepard flipped her off and Tali laughed harder. She scooped a serving of eggs onto a plate and handed it to Shepard who was now working towards a glass of orange juice. Shepard took it and moved over to the table, leaning over it in clear exhaustion.

"You work today?" Shepard asked around a mouth of eggs. Tali nodded as she served her own plate and came to sit beside Shepard.

"All day - I'm covering Miranda's shift." Tali explained, reaching over and taking the glass of orange juice. Shepard protested in vain, watching as Tali took a large drink of it. Shepard fixed her with an expression that was pure exasperation. "What are your plans today?"

Shepard stared down at her plate, chewing the bite of eggs in her mouth slowly. She shrugged and grunted.

"Nothing."

"Allie -"

"What did I say about first names?" Shepard waved her fork in Tal's face in some form of a threat. Tali smirked and lowered her bright eyes, handing the glass of orange juice back to Shepard. Shepard could see that she was thinking of something grim as the smile vanished from her face. "What's wrong, Tali?"

"It's just… I know that you don't like talking about it, and I know that it hurts…. I just want you to _talk_ to me like we used to." Tali explained in a forlorn voice. Shepard nodded, a chunk of tangled hair falling over her shoulder. "I miss you, Allie."

"Tali -"

"I know, I know." Tali stood, plate in hand, and moved towards the kitchen. "I have to go, otherwise I'm going to be late for work."

"Bulllshit. It's right down the street." Shepard smirked, trying to lighten the mood. "Have a good day."

Tali put her plate in the sink, turning to face Shepard as she leaned against the counter. Her wide, childish eyes seemed to study Shepard carefully, calculating her next words. Finally, she gave up, moving around and back to Shepard's side. She pushed Shepard away from the table, sitting in her lap before she could protest. Shepard sighed and wrapped her arms around Tali as Tali pulled her into a tight hug.

"Maybe you could try painting today?"

Shepard tensed and tightened her arms around Tali. Tali was like a sister to her, but if she kept pushing these buttons…

"Maybe, Tali. Maybe."

* * *

><p>Shepard had waited a few hours after Tali left to try and get ready for the day. After a huge battle with the shower, she came back out of her room in a presentable fashion. Her long curly hair now fell down to her waist in a tamed fashion, although curls still poked in every which way. She had also, surprisingly, managed to find a clean outfit to wear, despite the growing piles of laundry around the house. Now, she was left alone with only her thoughts.<p>

Tali had suggested she paint, but that usually only ended badly. It triggered panic attacks or brought back memories that she would rather forget. There were things from the war that even Tali didn't know about and, if Shepard could help it, no one would ever know about. One of those things was how she lost her legs.

Cursing, Shepard grabbed her keys and headed out of the house.

* * *

><p>"Hey there, Lola." James greeted her over the counter of the diner with a big grin. Shepard smiled back with a wave, startled when he came around the corner and pulled her into a hug - awkward for him, since he had to bend down to half his height.<p>

"Hey, Vega. How're things?" Shepard gave him another smile as he pulled away.

"Good, good. Steve finally moved in last week." James' grin widened and grew even brighter. Shepard could only imagine what happiness like that felt like. She was happy for James, though.

"That's good. How is it, living with someone else? You were quite the bachelor in your youth, Vega." Shepard teased, getting a light punch to the arm.

"You're just jealous." Vega teased as he walked around to grab her a menu. She rolled her eyes and shrugged, deciding to play along.

"Right, jealous of what? How I could never end up with you because of how gay you are for Steve?" Shepard laughed as he threatened to throw the menu at her. She followed him to her usual seat - or rather, lack of seat - by the window. He practically slammed the menu down on the table, still smiling sarcastically.

"Just for that, I might burn your coffee. _On purpose_." Vega teased and Shepard smacked him in the arm. He turned to leave, tending to the other customers.

Shepard leaned back slightly in the wheelchair, looking around the diner. Doctor Chakwas was sitting with Doctor Liara T'soni, no doubt comparing notes over their shared patients. Miranda was miserably bent over the table and a cup of soup, so sick it must have been a struggle for her to get out of bed to come get food. That was probably why Tali had to cover her shift at the small repair shop Citadel had - a repair shop that literally fixed everything from computers to washing machines. Some other familiar faces filled the diner, laughter falling from their lips as they ate their meals. Shepard tried to immerse herself in that happiness, but found that it almost nauseated her. She looked out the window instead.

She could feel her expression grow somber and she knew that Vega would be over to ask questions sometime soon. She just focused on the weather, trying to make the sunshine make her feel happy. She wanted to be happy, it was just the memories that held her back. The memories and the ever-present reminder that she had no legs and would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. That always tended to put a damper on her mood.

She hadn't painted in years because every time she did, it felt like she was suffocating herself. She could only paint the memories of war and blood and death. She couldn't paint smiling faces in the diner, or sunshine on the street - she couldn't paint anything that didn't scream of loss and tragedy.

She knew that people wanted to talk to her about it, and she knew that she should talk to people about it, but she just _didn't_. Not because she didn't trust the people around her - many of the people she had literally trusted with her life - but it was because she couldn't say the words. She couldn't say the words to _make it all go away_ and that was what scared her the most.

"Hot guy at three o'clock," Ashley was suddenly by Shepard's ear, bent down and handing her food. Shepard was startled out of her deep thoughts, green eyes flitting out the window and landing on the new stranger.

He looked lost, holing his phone in his hand and desperately trying to read the GPS directions. He had parked his motorcycle in one of the open spots right outside the window, practically right in front of Shepard. She watched him remove his helmet and stare at the phone with black hair now falling into his eyes. His _golden_ eyes. She looked away right as he looked through the window.

"_Ash_." Shepard hissed and Ashley laughed. She sat down next to Shepard, watching her wit excited eyes.

"Go help him."

"_What_? Are you crazy - wait, don't answer that. You obviously are." Shepard waved Ashley away as she stuck a forkful of food into her mouth. She couldn't help but look out the window again to see the man curse in anger. She sighed and looked back at Ashley who was giving her the biggest puppy dog eyes possible. "God damn it. What do you care about my dating life, Ash?"

"Not your dating life - I want to see you smile and be happy again." Ashley leapt to her feet and pulled Shepard away from the table much to the other woman's protest. She reached back and smacked Ashley's hands away.

"You know I hate it when you do that," She growled, wheeling away before Ashley could mutter out some apology. Shepard knew she didn't mean to, but it was hard to remember that when it happened every day of your life.

She wheeled out of the small diner, taking the handicap ramp down to stop beside the man on the motorcycle.

"You look a little lost."

"Is it that obvious?" He retorted, looking over to her. His golden eyes met hers and he smiled lightly. She offered him a gentle smirk back.

"Citadel isn't a big town - what can I help you find?" Shepard stuck out her hand for the phone. He eyed her questioningly before handing over the device and watching as she enlarged the GPS map.

"I'm looking for the motel and every turn that the blasted thing tells me to take just takes me around in a giant fucking circle." He explained exasperatedly. Shepard felt herself let out a small laugh.

"There hasn't been a motel in this town for about ten years. Your GPS is horribly outdated." Shepard stated through a small shake of laughter. She gestured for the man to follow her inside. "I can get you a map from one of the staff."

"Thanks. God, I feel like such an idiot now." He stuffed his phone back into his pocket, sticking his hand out for a handshake. "I'm Kaidan."

"Shepard." She answered, taking his hand in hers. She saw the glint of a question in his eyes at the name, but he said nothing. She wheeled herself around and led the way back up the ramp with him close behind her. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Ashely watching her through the window. She rolled her eyes and reached forward for the door, only to find that Kaidan was already opening it for her. She looked up and then back down, deciding not to say anything.

"Hey, Vega, you got a map Kaidan can borrow?" Shepard smacked a hand against the podium to gain Vega's attention. The man turned around, eyes landing on Kaidan first and then on Shepard.

"I'll go check, Lola. Think you might have better luck with the general store, though." James said in an offhand manner, giving Shepard a weird look for a moment. She waved him away with a scowl and he laughed as he vanished behind the corner.

"You can come sit with me if you want, Kaidan. No use in you just standing there." Shepard offered as she pushed herself down the aisle and back to her seat. Ashley was there, patiently waiting with an excuse to refill her coffee, Shepard knew. Shepard flipped her off and Ashley laughed. She bent down next to Shepard to whisper in her ear.

"What's his name?"

"Ask him yourself."

"Shepard -"

"Ash." Shepard smiled widely and cockily as she looked to Ashley who pulled away as Kaidan came to sit down with Shepard. Ashley smacked Shepard on the back of the head, knocking curls into her face, and turned to leave, smiling briefly at Kaidan.

"You learn to ignore the abuse that goes on here." Shepard said with a well-placed smile as she shook the curls from her face. Kaidan laughed.

"Something tells me that you can handle whatever comes your way." He mused, golden eyes scanning her. Shepard felt herself straighten and could almost feel blush creeping up her cheeks.

"What gave you that idea?"

"Hmm," Kaidan reached across the table and plucked a curl out of her face, tucking it back into place. "I'm going to have to answer 'your overall feminine charm.'" He teased. Normally, Shepard would have scowled and kicked him in the shin. Now, however, she smiled and laughed, her eyes lighting up with the action. Kaidan watched her eyes very closely.

"Smooth." Shepard teased.

"What can I say, I'm a natural." He chuckled.


	2. Screams of the Past

Kaidan had ordered food as he sat with Shepard. At first, the conversation had been a bit awkward. She had shown him a few motels on the map that had been delivered by Vega. He had stuffed the map into his pocket and folded his hands on top of the table. They had begun casual conversation by this point, trying to lighten the mood. Before long, they were both laughing rather loudly.

He found Shepard to be absolutely captivating. He could see in her eyes that she had seen the world - some good, some bad - and that she could tell hundreds of stories and never get tired of talking. He could see her lively spirit trapped inside there, begging for a way to be let out again. Her green eyes were swirling pools of mystery to him.

During the conversation, he had discovered that she painted. He could tell that she was the type of artist to cover herself in paint and have brushes sticking out of her hair in every direction. He could picture her beside a canvas, cursing because she couldn't un-tangle a brush from her hair.

"What do you paint?" Kaidan asked, innocently enough. She tensed and lowered her gaze from his burning golden eyes.

"Nothing. Personal stuff." She answered harshly. Her hands wrapped around her coffee mug and he saw her knuckles turn white. "You, uh, you aren't from around here. Why'd you stop in Citadel?"

Despite it being an obvious attempt to change the subject, Kaidan found himself wanting to be rather honest with her despite the fact that they had met only a half hour beforehand.

"I needed to get away, is all. Personal stuff." He replied, daring to mimic her own words and keep her at a distance. Her eyes narrowed, as if she had caught onto his game, but she said nothing. She raised her mug and took a long drink of coffee, looking out the window. He followed her gaze, watching as a sheriff car pulled up and two uniformed men got out. "So you know everyone here, right?"

"Yeah. Born and raised in Citadel, you tend to know everyone's face." She spoke in a soft voice, all traces of laughter gone from it. He wanted to ask, but decided it was better if he didn't. Instead, he watched to two men enter the diner and watched as she followed them all the way in.

"Hey, Vakarian!" She waved to one of them and got a wave and smile in reply. Kaidan looked over to see striking blue eyes scan him over and then flit back to Shepard. He shot her a questioning glance and Shepard shrugged in response. Within seconds, the man was walking towards them.

"How've you been, Shepard?" He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek before sitting beside her. Shepard smiled gently at him.

"Could be better," She muttered, turning back to Kaidan. "This is Kaidan. He's passing through Citadel."

"Right, passing through. You got lost, didn't you?" The man, Vakarian, teased and Kaidan let himself chuckle lightly. Vakarian stuck out his hand across the table. "Garrus Vakarian, Sheriff here in town."

"Kaidan Alenko, Stranger." Kaidan replied and got a good laugh out of the Sherriff. Shepard was staring at her coffee again and seemed to be lost in thought. Before Kaidan could comment, Garrus pressed a hand to her shoulder and muttered something under his breath. She smirked wryly and shook his hand off, replying just as softly.

"Right, well it was nice to meet you. I trust that I won't have to see you again." Garrus smirked with a poke at his badge. Kaidan smiled back and shook his head as the Sheriff walked away from their table to go and sit by his partner that had walked in with him.

"I should go." Kaidan stated taking the last sip of his drink. "Don't want to get lost again."

Shepard looked up and her eyes met his. She didn't say anything, just stared at him. Another curl had fallen into her face and he had to resist the urge to lean over and tuck it back behind her ear. He wanted to drown in her eyes.

"Yeah, you probably should." She mumbled before looking away. She set her coffee down and wheeled herself into the aisle, back turned to him before he could say anything more. He sighed heavily and stood, walking over to the podium to ask how much he owed. Vega, as Shepard had called him, shook his head.

"This is on the house, man." Kaidan was suddenly aware that all eyes in the diner were on him. He looked at Vega, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"She's never smiled like that. Not since she got back." Vega took Kaidan's wallet and shut it himself, handing it back to Kaidan with a soft smile. "She needed that."

"She, uh, she went somewhere?" Kaidan asked, unsure if he would get an answer or just another cryptic message that he would later have to decipher. James lowered his head.

"Garrus and Grunt and I went with her. It's her story to tell, though, not mine." He sighed. "Are you sticking around?"

"I was actually looking for a place to live, yeah. I haven't had any luck, though." Kaidan shoved his wallet back into his pocket, fingers catching on the map. He suddenly felt guilty for even considering leaving.

"Well, if you don't mind roommates, there are plenty of places here in Citadel. If you wanna fly solo, though, Thessia is your better bet." Vega offered helpfully before turning his attention to the customers. Kaidan nodded and turned on his heel, heading out the door.

* * *

><p>Shepard couldn't remember the last time she had entered the studio - her studio. She had started it with Jack before the war, and afterwards, she had never bothered to come back. She had thought it pointless to go to the place that stemmed all of her anxiety - her therapist disagreed and said that it would help her move past things. She had punched the therapist in the gut and left without paying him. He'd called her, of course, but after a while of her not answering, he had given up.<p>

She stared at the building now with a growing lump in her throat. She felt as though she couldn't breathe and her hands itched and twitched absentmindedly. She had to shove the memories from her head and force herself to go in - to paint again. She had to get past this if she ever wanted to sleep peacefully again.

"Shepard?" Jack's familiar voice shattered through Shepard's ears as the woman came up behind her. Shepard smirked.

"Hey, Jack."

"Hey, Jack? That's all I get?" Jack stood in front of Shepard, hands on her tattooed hips. "You're in front of the fucking studio and all I get is a Hey, Jack?"

Shepard laughed at this, against her better judgment. Encouraging Jack was the last thing you wanted to do if you ever wanted to get out of the conversation. Shepard hadn't wanted to intrude, but she also didn't want to talk about why she was here - talking was not one of her specialties.

"Sorry." She replied - one word sharp and abrupt. Jack straightened, eyes scanning over Shepard and trying to decide whether to accept the lame apology or to punch her.

"You decide to paint again? Some of the customers want you back - they say that only you can capture the spirit in your paintings, whatever hippie bullshit that is." Jack was rambling now, digging in her pockets for the keys to the studio. Shepard was watching her, the anxiety rippling down her spine. She knew that Jack was trying to help but as she put the key in the lock, Shepard snapped.

"Sorry. I'll see ya around." Shepard turned abruptly and went back the way she had come, panic increasing the speed of her heart.

By the time she reached the house, she was not surrounded by the familiar landscape of Citadel. She was back in London, watching it burn and listening to the screams of soldiers as they burned with it. She was watching as Thane rushed forward, bullheaded and refusing to see reason, and got a knife through the lungs. Then she was whirled around, bullets crashing into the surfaces around her, just in time to see Wrex jump in front of her and take a bullet to the skull. She was covered in blood and she couldn't feel her legs.

"Shepard! Shepard!" Someone called out for her and she turned, Anderson running towards her with a determined and concerned look on his face. He was gesturing for her to fall back, but since when had she ever fallen back? She ignored him, turning around just as a car exploded and crashed down on top of her.

She screamed so loud, she thought she had burst her lungs. She could feel the fire around her and she knew that she was going to burn to death. She knew it. Hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her out and she came face to face with Anderson as they lay on the ground. She was sobbing - the first time he had ever seen her cry - and he was cursing at her, demanding to know why she hadn't fallen back. He stood, gathering her in his arms. The next thing she knew, a bullet soared through his head and his brains were in her lap.

* * *

><p>Tali arrived home and could immediately tell that something was wrong. She burst through the door and called for Shepard, begging for her to still be alive. She ran into Shepard's room and could hear the shower running.<p>

"Shepard? Shepard, you have to answer me, otherwise I'm coming through that door." Tali knocked on the door, her heart pounding in her ears.

"T-Tali?"

The tone in Shepard's voice had Tali opening the door in an instant. Shepard was curled up on the shower floor, her shaking hands knotted in her hair. Tali could tell that she had had a panic attack - that she was still having one - and that it had been bad. Tali reached over and turned off the water, resting a hand gently on Shepard's shoulder.

"Allie, you aren't there. You're home in Citadel." Shepard shook her head, unwilling to believe Tali's words. "Allie, listen to me. You're here with me - this is Tali, talking to you."

Shepard shook her head repeatedly, either trying to shake Tali from her mind or trying to shake the memories away. Her hands were shaking as she pulled them from her hair and gripped Tali's wrist tightly. Tali winced but said nothing, trying to decide what Shepard would do.

"Tali... Tali, I'm so sorry." Shepard mumbled and Tali knew that she had come out of the nightmare. Tali shook her head, leaning over Shepard and wrapping a towel around her. Shepard looped her arms around Tali's neck as Tali lifted her into her wheelchair. This time, she didn't protest.


	3. Unbiased

Kaidan stared at the reflection in the mirror, pondering. Lines creased his face and bags seeped below his eyes. He hadn't had a peaceful night of sleep for many years so he was not surprised to see that mark there. He was surprised to see only a few grey hairs at his temples, fading into the rest of his swiftly growing hair.

His hands tightened on the edge of the sink as he looked down, staring at the water flowing down the drain. A flash of red entered his mind but he pushed it away abruptly, his heart thudding in his chest. His pulse shattered the silence of the motel room and threatened to cause his blood to boil over and through his eyes.

He pushed himself away from the porcelain white room and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Shepard woke up with no memory of what had happened. She remembered drowning in the memories of the war and she remembered her heart crashing through her body. She sat bolt upright in bed, blood rigidly implanted in her spine.<p>

"You're awake. I thought you'd sleep forever." Tali murmured from the doorway, a cup of soup in her hand. Her smile was soft but filled with raw emotion. Shepard winced as guilt pooled in her stomach.

"I'm sorry, Tali." She looked to the floor, averting her eyes as Tali handed her the warm cup of soup. Broccoli cheese - her favorite.

"You should be, scaring me like that."

Shepard let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. She realized then that she had expected Tali to blame her - to pin the anxiety attacks above her head and use them as target practice. She had been expecting a fight and now that there wasn't one, her fingertips twitched with pent up rage.

"You could yell at me." Shepard suggested with a spoonful of soup spreading warmth down her throat. Tali shrugged.

"I could." She leaned against Shepard's shoulder and planted a kiss on the woman's temple. "Or I could tell you how much you mean to me - how you're like a sister to me - and how I will do anything to make sure that you do not leave me here alone."

Shepard froze at those words, soup cooling in her mouth. Tali reached over and steadied the bowl before it could fall into Shepard's lap. She hadn't realized that her hands had begun to shake violently. Tali looked over to Shepard, a small smile on her lips as tears welled in her eyes.

"You may not think you mean anything to the people around you, Allie, but you can't see how strong you are. You can't see how your spirit lights up the room or how, when you smile, everyone around you smiles. You can't see how much we love you, because you don't love yourself." Tali leaned in and kissed Shepard on the forehead, pulling the shaking woman against her. Shepard began to sob, curling against Tali.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

* * *

><p>Kaidan came back to the diner the next day at noon, expecting a large lunch crowd. Instead, he only saw Garrus and James, both evidently 'off duty'. He walked up to the counter and was greeted by the woman that had whispered in Shepard's ear the other day.<p>

"Hey, Stranger. Decided to stick around?" She smiled wide and grabbed a menu, already moving him to a table.

"Yeah. I'm actually looking for a place, but I don't know if James told you." Kaidan explained, taking his seat gratefully. She smiled as she handed him the menu.

"Yeah, Vega mentioned something. I'm Ashley, by the way." She shook his hand and then told him that she would be back in a few minutes to take his order. He nodded and looked away, lost in thought.

He could tell that Citadel was a home to everyone. If you needed a place, warm and welcoming, Citadel was that place. He didn't know what made him realize that - maybe it was the fact that everyone already knew that he was looking for a place to live, or maybe it was the fact that all the people already knew his name. He wanted to belong here and had a feeling that he could manage to do that.

The bell on the door chimed and in came Shepard. He was immediately aware of her presence, for whatever strange reason, and turned in his chair to smile at her. She caught his eye and smiled back, if a little confused by his appearance. Without even grabbing a menu, Shepard came over to his table, moving a chair out of the way for herself.

"What's keeping you in town, Alenko?" She casually used his last name, as if they had been friends for years. He smiled at that.

"I'm looking for a place. Surprised you didn't ask sooner, Shepard." He teased back in an off-hand manner and Shepard studied him. Her eyes seemed to get lost briefly, before returning to his own golden eyes.

"Any luck?"

"Nothing in Citadel, so far. There's a place in Thessia, but I don't know if I want to move there." Kaidan shrugged and set the menu down, able to look more directly at Shepard then.

He could see the lines that signified lack of sleep clearly in her face. He could tell that she was keeping back emotions, trying not to show them in her eyes. By the way that Garrus was studying her from across the room, he could tell that she was not doing a great job of it. He looked more carefully and could see that her hands were shaking slightly and that she was not meeting Garrus' eyes. The sheriff seemed most distraught over that fact.

"Well, good luck." She offered, catching Ashley and giving her an order. Kaidan piled his on and Ashley swept away, reading the order to the cook across the counter. Shepard began to move, as if she was leaving, and Kaidan caught her by the wrist.

"I know that we just met and I don't want to sound horribly intrusive, but it seems to me like you need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't biased." He offered the words slowly, watching as her eyes stayed locked on his wrist, her predatory nerves lighting on fire. "You can talk to me, if you think it will help, Shepard."

He removed his hand, though her eyes still stayed locked on her wrist. She stayed still for a moment, eyes briefly flitting up to meet with Garrus. The sheriff moved to stand but Shepard waved him away. His eyes questioned her but she turned away, moving to sit back in front of Kaidan.

"You don't know what you're offering, do you, Alenko?" Her voice was soft and a bit hoarse. Kaidan smirked.

"I think I have a better idea than you might believe." Their food arrived and Ashley caught onto the tension in the air, looking between them both. Shepard said and did nothing, taking a bite of her food nonchalantly until Ashley walked away. Kaidan did the same.

"And what makes you say that?"

"You weren't the only one in the war." He reached under his shirt and pulled free dog tags, jingling them in front of her face. She tensed and averted her eyes hastily.

"You... You're a soldier." She stated it to herself in a monotone voice. "I didn't... Sorry."

"You've had two conversations with me, I'm inclined to let it slide, Shepard." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood again. She let a small smile find her lips but it was gone in the next second. "I'm just saying that I know what you've been through - or at least, I know my version of it."

He stayed silent after that, shoving food in his mouth. She seemed to be weighing his words rather heavily, trying to decide what to do with the information. She chewed her food in a pondering manner, barely tasting any of it. When Ashley came by again to take their plates away, they were still silent. Kaidan was surprised that she hadn't left, or that Garrus hadn't come to save her. He cast a look over his shoulder and was shocked to realize that they were the only ones left in the small establishment.

"Did you... Did you lose anyone?" Shepard asked timidly, suddenly. Kaidan tried to hide his shock but knew that she had seen.

"Yes." He answered simply. Flashes of his squad entered his mind, but he pushed them away, focusing on her.

"I lost my dad... my adoptive dad, that day." She tightened her hands around her coffee mug, eyes hazy and far away. Kaidan nodded, a knot forming in his chest.

"My wife." He mumbled. She tensed and looked up, eyes back in the present and focused on him. He smiled wryly. "It's fine - don't start apologizing. I've had enough pity to last a lifetime."

"I, uh, I also lost some of my best friends. Thane and Wrex, Grunt's brother." She explained, gaining a bit more confidence in her words. He didn't know whether to find that reassuring or slightly unnerving. He lowered his eyes, wishing suddenly that he had something to do with his hands besides curl them into fists.

"Who else from Citadel went to war?"

"Practically everyone. James, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Grunt… Thane and Wrex - they were all on my squad. Miranda had her own squad; Jack, Mordin, Jacob and Ash were in hers. Joker and EDI weren't army, though. They were Navy and apparently Joker was one hell of a sailor." She rattled off the names of everyone who had gone, a list that had permanently been lodged in her brain. "We lost Thane, Mordin and Wrex and Anderson to the war."

Kaidan nodded solemnly, the words he wanted to say caught in his throat. He realized that if he said them, he would be giving her the pity that he had asked not to receive. She probably didn't need or want it, either.

"My wife and I were expecting a child when we went to war. She was adamant, though, that she go and join the fight. She wasn't one to be left out of anything." He spoke softly, trying not to dwell on the thought that this was the first time he had talked to anyone about his wife and what had happened to him. Shepard's eyes weren't filled with pity, as he had expected them to be - instead, she watched him with a grief-stricken understanding of it all.

"Well, Alenko, you picked the right town to settle down in. We've all felt loss here." She muttered and then turned to leave. Kaidan lowered his head in a nod.

"What was your rank, Shepard?" He turned in his chair, calling after her. She peered over her shoulder with a slightly quizzical look stuck on her face.

"Commander. You?"

"Lieutenant."

Shepard stayed silent, her hand reached up and pressing against what he imagined to be dog-tags underneath the fabric of her shirt. She took a deep breath and raised her hand in a salute.

"Catch ya later, Lieutenant."

"Aye Aye, Commander." Kaidan saluted back.


End file.
